Monday, April 7, 2008

Healthy Vigilance...or Hyper-Sensitivity?

Mood-wise I am in flux...not exactly sure where I am, but keeping a watchful eye. My motivation is low at the moment. When I contemplate doing something I don't fancy, my head fills up with glue. A wave of exhaustion slops over me and I have to bargain with myself to either do or not do the task in question. If it's housework, I can generally push myself to make it happen. But if it is something that isn't going to impact anyone else--like, "I don't feel like doing yoga today,"--I am very good at letting it go. And of course, there's always the excuse, "Well, I need to be kinder to myself, not push myself so much."

Well, maybe. But if I don't push myself, nothing will get done.

The thing I hate most is not knowing where to draw the line between healthy vigilance regarding my moods and hyper-sensitivity.


Dingo Apteryx said...

Hi there Jazz. I read all your musings today while we were emailing back and forth about our canine terrors. As far as Healthy vigilance goes... I think the line drawn in the sand is when it starts to negatively affect others. This, of course, is an incredibly fluid line as people's tolerances vary day to day. Like me. I am anti-social and get very tired very quickly of mood changes. (Even though they're usually my fault!) You need to get back to the carefree days of Sumac Village, visits from distant lands by Fruegelhoff and Ermintrude. That incredibly HOT rock group Abandon. Draw pleasure, warmth and inspiration from those memories. Realize that things are pretty good in your garden of dreams. Go back to simplicity and realize that you have the essentials. You have a nice home. The Chief loves you, the Barrister and the Mouse adore you. You have food.... Kiddo, the rest is gravy. I have seen the darker sides of life and I am constantly reminded by my better half how much more miserable things would be if I were still serving the Dark Side. (No Luke, I am NOT your father.... I am you.) Love you Jazz,

Your Not so young anymore younger Brother Dingo

Jazz said...

Hey, Dingo, thanks for stopping by. Didn't think anyone but me remembered that really hot rock group, Abandon!

"...the line drawn in the sand is when it starts to negatively affect others." Yes. I agree. And I have to be able to remain aware enough--not wrapped up in my own crap enough--to know when that is happening. Sometimes that's a challenge.

Some days all you can do is breathe. And some days, you have to let that be enough.

Sumac Village is still in my heart, and always will be.


Dingo Apteryx said...

None of us chose what happened to us. I certainly didn't want low levels of that marvelous sexual ambrosia. It killed off a lot of things for me. a lot of things that I'll never get back. (horny teenagers take note) But, I do think your analysis of how to look at life is excellent. We have talked at length in the past of how destructive Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda is. You are SO right. Had we not been dealt the cards we have, we would NOT be who we are. Is there a blame to assign? Nope. I think you would be amazed at how much I DO remember about those days, though much of it is a blur until someone prods me with a pointed-stick, or a basket of logan berries.

Love, Dingo

BPD in OKC said...

I'm an expert at letting things go. I have no motivation at all anymore, and I'll do anything to not do anything (if that made sense). I'll stay in bed all day if that means I don't have to do housework or work. My husband gets really mad at me because he ends up doing all the housework. In my case, I don't really care if it effects just me or other people. If I can't muster the motivation, I ain't doing anything no matter what.

Jazz said...

What is it that sucks the motivation out of you? For me there are a number of things. Meds, depression, my thyroid crapping out again, or just plain being tired out from running around after two kids and two dogs. Sometimes it's hard to sort out what the cause is.