Sunday, April 27, 2008

Creative Recovery?

So part of what I'm doing here is trying to put myself in a position where I have to write every day. The idea being that I've got to do something to loosen all the sediment that is clinging to the pipes in my brain. Once, the words flowed freely through those pipes and came pouring out onto the paper faster than I could catch them. The buckets overflowed, and my head was packed with ideas.

Now, it's a struggle to find the words. I have moments when I can just tool along without thinking about it. Brief moments. But I can't seem to call back the ease with which I used to do this. I can't seem to find the passion I once had for it.

My hope is that once I've managed to get the trazodone out of my system--which probably won't be until sometime late this summer--things will start to improve.

If they don't, I'm not sure what else I can do. I've worked through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way and Walking in this World...and I started her book Vein of Gold, but I've reached the point where I'm sick and tired of all this introspection, and it isn't helping me get my passion back...it's just making me dwell on what I can't seem to do anymore.

When I think about working on the novel which I am trying to work on, my head fills up with glue, a wave of exhaustion washes over me, and I come up with twenty other things that need doing much more than me sitting down a the keyboard...or twenty other things I'd rather do.

I feel lazy and stupid.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I've forgotten the first rule that I used to live by:

Just do it.

4 comments:

Gianna said...

ahh...here's to our getting our creativity back together---though I do think you're ahead of me---and hope so too---since you're off the drugs!

I'm fried, really fried, but there is a shift in mental energy--I'm hoping it sticks around because I was so zapped I wasn't even motivated to leave comments for a week.

I read your satirical piece and it took a ton of energy to just let you know I thought it was great!! On a good day I would have raved about it---it was really brilliant. I'm still not there but oh my I hope to get there....

and I do think you're on your way.

Jazz said...

Thanks, Gianna. We'll work on it together! I really did find The Artist's Way very helpful...it got me back on track with writing something every day...even though a lot of it was just whining and complaining. When you feel strong enough, maybe that would be a place for you to start?

You will get there. Your body just needs time to rest and recover. And you need to give yourself permission to take that time--which it sounds like you are doing, so good for you.

bipolarjourney.com said...

The "Artist's Way" is helping to save me. My problem is I don't think I am worthy of creativity. Oddly, the medication boosts my sagging self image and I have begun to take risks. My pdoc has suggested a decrease in meds over the summer and I am afraid it will take my creativity or should I say my ability to let it out-away. Weird huh?

Jazz said...

I don't know if that's so weird...some meds, like the Lexapro I took for depression, take away the anxiety, and I think that includes the anxiety one feels about one's performance.

If you can just get the dosage right...enough to take away that performance anxiety, so you can write without worrying whether or not it's any good--but not so much that you're completely flat-lined emotionally, because that just sucks the soul out of anything you try to create.