Saturday, April 12, 2008

Feminine Trials

I hate bra shopping. I really do.

I haven't been bra shopping in an age. Not since I put on all that weight with the Depakote. Now that I'm well along the way towards losing that weight, I've noticed that there's a certain amount of...sagging...going on. Some of this may be due to the weight loss, and some due to my hitting forty a couple of years ago. But whatever the reason, things (two of them, to be precise) are definitely going south, and so (heavy sigh), it's time for a new bra.

I can hardly wait to find out what's "in." What some flaming fashion designer in Paris--who probably doesn't even own a pair of breasts--thinks they should look like. Last time I went bra shopping I had a terrible time finding something that didn't make me look like I had a couple of weapons of mass destruction strapped to my chest.

What's wrong with a plain old white, cotton, comfy bra? Seems like these days everything's either
  • padded (don't need any padding, thanks, got enough of my own),
  • push-up (if they get pushed up I'm going to have breathing difficulties, thank you)
  • covered with lace (it must be men who design bras with lace, secure in the knowledge that they will never have to suffer the torture of wearing one),
  • shot through with enough hardware to set off airport metal detectors,
  • fluorescent enough to show through all but thickest of winter coats, or
  • made of some horrid modern fabric that requires dry cleaning or other delicate handling (if I can't just chuck it in the washing machine, I'm not buying it!).
So it's off to the department store today to try on a bunch of fluorescent, padded, push-up, lacy, underwire instruments of torture, and choose the one that is (a) comfortable enough to wear for more than five minutes and (b) doesn't make me look like a glow-in-the-dark nuclear missile silo.

Oh...and I wouldn't mind feeling somewhat attractive in it, too, if that's not too much to ask.

Sometimes I envy Gladys. The Chief finds her alluring no matter what she wears.

12 comments:

sunshine4shadows said...

You forgot about the whole "finding the right size" and having a "professional" measure you! (Or maybe it's just me)

Jazz said...

Back when the Chief and I were both working, I could afford to shop in places that had "professionals"...but now I have to rub elbows with the rest of the herd. Not sure I've got the self-esteem to allow a "professional" anywhere near me with a tape measure anyway, LOL!

Gianna said...

I have found many wonderful comfortable bras in the last year or so...

Sure there is all the shit you talk about out there too...but I've found some practical and beautiful bras when I go looking...

I like bra shopping...

I hope it goes better than you expect...

BPD in OKC said...

I hate bra shopping. The finding the right size thing is difficult too. I can't stand the idea of getting measured by a professional. I buy bras I find on clearance, so if they aren't comfortable, at least I didn't pay full price for them. In the end I've found that I can buy a bra on clearance for $5 or spend $40 at a department store and they're both uncomfortable, so I might as well go for the cheaper one.

And I understand the sagging thing. I lost 115 pounds in about a year, and my skin all over sagged horribly.

Gianna said...

oh...I sag too...yes indeed...need a good underwire....

I find good cheap bras on discount that are also comfortable...maybe I have good bra karma...my last bra--a pretty pink, 100% cotton and lycra bra was 5 bucks...very comfortable even if the color wasn't what I would usually go for...I'm a black bra kinda girl in general...the pink is kinda fun because it's so out of the ordinary for me and hell...no one sees it but me and my husband

Jazz said...

Okay, gals, it was awful!
*howls and whines pathetically*
First off, I neglected to consider the crowds. Shopping on a Saturday has never been my idea of fun...don't know what I was thinking...oh...wait...I WASN'T!

Second, none of the styles I used to like are around anymore...and some of the brands I liked have disappeared...and after four and a half years of bra extenders and whatnot, I've no idea what size I need. (Did I really just admit that I haven't bought a bra in four and half years? Eeeep!)

This is gonna be more than a simple Saturday afternoon deal. Hitting the clearance racks is a great idea, BPD. Gianna, you've got to shoot some of your bra karma my way. I could use it, because these ratty old things I'm wearing now are about to give out!

Gianna said...

Jazz,
yeah...on a saturday even I would have crappy bra karma...I don't venture out on saturdays for shopping...

suggestion...go somewhere expensive with "professionals" and get measured...try some stuff on but don't buy anything...

then go to the cheapo places...

Jazz said...

Ah...how devious! I like it. I shall schmooze the expensive "professionals" by flaunting my rattily-clad chest and my tatty sneakers and my comfy sweat pants...no wait...that won't work...

...aren't I going to have to (eeep!) dress up in order for the "professionals" to even want to come near me with their evil tape measures?

Jazz said...

On second thought...ya know...I'm a dab hand at sewing...I've made my own clothes before...I can wield a tape measure with the best of 'em. I just have to figure out what those arcane numbers and letters in the sizes mean.

I shall have to give this some thought. But my next Bra Shopping Adventure will be scheduled for a weekday morning...

Gianna said...

no...lots of people dress casual when shopping...you just gotta act confident!!

Jazz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jazz said...

Aw, crap, I did it again...
Memo to me...can't edit comments!

Anyway, what I was going to say is:

Confidence! Yes! My sweats and saggy chest just ooze confidence!