Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Putting Myself Back in the World

I feel as though I am at some sort of cusp or turning point. For the last three years--since The Chief's heart attack and my subsequent liberation from chemical restraints--I feel as if I have been curled up inside myself. In a state of hurt bewilderment, I've been laying low and licking my wounds.

But over the last year or so there has been a gradual opening up, a reclaiming of territory I once thought of as mine. Medication and several emotional wounds turned my beloved home territory into a dangerous, alien landscape...but slowly, it seems, I have begun to reach out. I took a chance and invited someone I met at a school function over for tea one afternoon, and over the last year, a deep and mutually beneficial friendship has blossomed. I started writing again, and trusting myself to just do it, like I used to. And although my interests have changed, the passion is still undeniably there. And today I mailed off my application to teach a journal workshop of my own design through our local community education program, and I feel like that is the culmination of all of that healing work I've been doing...putting myself back into the world, as it were.

15 comments:

Gianna said...

wonderful Jazz,
It's so gratifying to hear about how things have worked out for you.

catatonickid said...

Sounds nurturing, and like a lot of dedication and thoughtfulness is going into your healing. Nothing but good there. Really quite wonderful to hear in fact because for certain it isn't an easy thing to be doing.

Jazz said...

Gianna--
It has been a slow unfolding, and I only had this flash of insight last night...I realized that I feel like I'm ready to put myself back in the world...and that is truly a wonderful thing.

Jazz said...

catatonickid--
Well, the first year and a half I didn't do much except curl up in my nest and feel hard done by. Janurary '07 I picked up Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way", and that's kind of what got me started on the long journey back to myself. It's been frustrating, though, because I am, by nature, impatient...I want it and I want it NOW! Although I have learned a lot about patience and mindfulness this last year and a half.

Bipolar Wellness Writer said...

Dear Jazz,
Is that great news or what? I do think there are stages of recovery. It's taken four years for all the medication I took to truly leave my system, and it is only recently that I feel like I'm back on my game intellectually.

I also took baby steps in reaching out to old friends and making some new ones. And right now I'm on the committee for my 40th high school reunion--which is timely because I'm so glad I'm well again and can participate in something I'm enjoying so much!

And I'm finally writing a proposal for a new book on wellness, which couldn't have happened if I wasn't well!

Congrats to us!

Gianna said...

you know I've been told it takes up to 5 years to recover completely from the havoc psych meds cause our bodies...Jazz and Susan, it sounds like you're both a little ahead of the game!! Or, another way to look at it is you will just keep on getting better!!

Jazz said...

Susan--
There are definitely stages of recovery, but it's hard to see them for what they are when you are going through it. And I'm not saying I'm done yet, either...just entering another stage, I think.

Jazz said...

Gianna--
I definitely believe it takes years to recover from that stuff! It seems like it has been a very gradual reclaiming of mental and creative functionality for me. I'm still working on getting that last psych med out of my system, but I'm down to 50 mg of trazodone, and I'm still sleeping well, and feeling a lot clearer in my mind. It is good to feel that progress is being made.

Jazz said...

Susan--
Yay for both of us!
I'm glad you're able to do these things again. Baby steps are what it takes, sometimes.

Coco said...

You mailed your application for the course! That is so exciting. I hope it all works out. If it were here in my community I would sign up! I can relate to this post Jazz, as I'm having similar feelings lately. I'm cautiously optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless. Good for you!

Jazz said...

Thanks, Coco! I'm pretty excited about it. It won't be until October, so I'll have the whole summer to think about it...which may be a good thing or a bad thing!

Odd Chick said...

It is true that the creative art in all of us is a place of refuge and of healing. thanks for sharing yourself and giving us ideas for writing.

Jazz said...

You are welcome, Odd Chick. I have found engaging my creativity to be incredibly healing.

Mary said...

What a wonderful feeling it must be to be back in the world again. It takes years to heal, and I still have a long way to go. I am like you were still curled up, not wanting to reach out to anyone..take care..Mary

Jazz said...

Mary--
Thanks for stopping by!

You know, I think that healing and putting yourself back in the world does take time, but putting yourself out there in your blog is a start! You are reaching out and connecting with people in that way, so maybe you are farther along in your healing than you think.