Saturday, May 3, 2008

It Speaks So Loudly...

I hate this feeling of detachment that floats down from above and smothers me like a warm, wet blanket. It makes me feel stupid and foggy.

I cannot think, focus, rest, imagine, dream, anticipate, work, care, love, touch, reach out...

I wander around here, restless, bored, and unable to settle to anything.

My thoughts are dark, a never-ending carousel of "what's the point?" and "is this all there is forever?" and "what did I used to fill my days with when I didn't feel like this?"

I know this is just the insidious voice of depression, and I should try to ignore it. But sometimes depression speaks so loudly, it makes me deaf to all but its grating voice...

Hopefully this is just another symptom of trazodone withdrawal.

6 comments:

Gianna said...

I don't know if ignoring it is the answer...

I like Jayme's method of dealing with mental anguish...she is completely recovered now after years of institutionalization. She is now the director of a Peer Wellness Center and off all meds.

http://raynesworld.blogspot.com/2007/07/how-i-deal-with-mental-breakdowns.html

This is what I try to do and it can be very helpful.

I understand with children you may not be able to do 24/7 but getting in some time to do it daily might help a lot.

Gianna said...

hmmm..that link is no good...let me try again...

Try Here

Jazz said...

Thank you...you know, it's really validating to read that, because my gut feeling when depressed is to give in to it, experience it, and do what my body is telling me to do--which is isolate, sleep, cry...which are just the things everyone tells me not to do. I'm supposed to "keep my chin up", I'm supposed to "take a hot bath" or "have a nice cup of tea" (that's my mother's suggestion. She's never had a crisis yet that wasn't averted by a nice hot cup of tea!).

Gianna said...

well...this exercise that Jayme talks about...I've read about it in various meditation books...I've found description of it in two books...one a Taoist Buddhist book and the other a book written by someone influenced by both Eastern thought and Carl Jung.

It's really not a passive activity. It's a deep concentration on the emotion so that it melts or dissolves in the process. A profound embracing of one's experience....so while crying and sleeping has their places....I certainly do plenty of both....when you're practicing this technique it's with mindfulness...in fact it is a sort of mindfulness meditation which could be yet another word for it. I think it is a universal experience of people who learn how to deal masterfully with their minds and emotions.

It can also be a very painful experience---it's not for the weak in spirit...

peace to you today Jazz.

Shiv said...

I have had the same "why bother" feelings, hell we all have, it goes hand in hand with the depression.
What helped me was to, during my more active time, decide on, engineer, and nurture a reason that would always serve as my "raison d'etre". I believe everyone has a reason, but you have to find yours.
It is that one thing that stops you when the suicidal thoughts start intruding, the thing that you stick around for. Friends, family, love, life. For me it is simply this: if I died and I had to watch the remaining lives of everyone I know, all their ups and downs, through whatever hardships they face, would I be able to live with myself *for eternity* knowing that I chose not to be there for them? All those times I could help people, make a small improvement on their lives. All the times someone I know needs a friend.
I couldn't do it, I never could.
So this is my reason. For me when my mind starts saying "Why? Why bother?" I reply: "because it's not just about me."
Everyone has their own reason, you have to find yours
*hug*
~Shiv

Jazz said...

...because it's not just about me.

Thank you, Shiv. That is what it all comes down to, isn't it? I could never take myself out of this world for the same reason. Years ago, when I first struggled with depression (not knowing what it was at the time) I made a no-suicide pact with myself. For that exact reason.