New Disorder is "Most Under-Diagnosed"

A new disorder is being considered for inclusion in the DSM-V. The DSM-V, due out in 2011, is the latest revision of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the checklist-style compendium of all of the mental illnesses that currently plague our culture.

In order to be diagnosed with this new disorder, patients must exhibit at least one of the following criteria:

• occasional inability to sleep
• exhaustion caused by fourteen-hour days with no breaks
• profound sadness in reaction to a stressful life event
• profound joy in reaction to any life event
• feelings of anxiety and/or frustration at one's financial status or future
• feelings of inadequacy due to being the only one in the neighborhood who doesn't drive an SUV
• anxiety over world events over which one has no control
• feelings of helplessness when one watches the evening news
• feelings of anger at the injustice of it all
• urges to cheer oneself up with food, chocolate, or a day at the zoo
  

The name of this horrifying new disorder?

Being Alive.

"It's important for people to understand that there is no shame in being alive," said Dr. Phill Pusher of the Itasca University Medical School in an interview yesterday. "Managing the condition is a lifelong challenge, but there are many medications that can help smooth the way." Doctor Pusher urges anyone showing signs of being alive to make an appointment with a mental health professional. "Being alive is one the most under-diagnosed, under-medicated conditions we have yet encountered."

But there is hope. The condition of being alive, although serious, can be treated with medications. Antidepressants are recommended to battle sadness and other annoying emotions connected with the condition, antipsychotics remove one's ability to ruminate or think, and tranquilizers can help sedate patients for long periods of time, making it possible for a patient to sleep through a lot of the more unpleasant aspects of the condition. Mood stabilizers can also be considered if a patient who is alive exhibits both joy and sadness or anger in the same 24-hour period.

Are you alive?

Visit your mental health professional today to find out what medications maybe right for you.